In an episode of Family Guy, Cleveland moves away from Spooner Street and Peter, Joe, and Quagmire are in need of a new friend. Brian overhears Peter expressing this need and volunteers to be the friend so desired, to which Peter responds: "Oh sorry, Brian; I don't think it's possible you know, because of the whole Quagmire thing." "What Quagmire thing?" Brian asks. "Oh you know," Peter replies, "just that he hates you." "Quagmire hates me? Why would Quagmire hate me?" Brian demands. "You know, because you're annoying." Brian is not convinced, and so he tricks Quagmire into having dinner with him, so as to make Quagmire like him. The dinner turns out to be a disaster, with Quagmire ending up hating Brian even more. And when Brian returns home from the outing depressed, Stewie tries to cheer him up. Stewie makes a very important remark: "You don't need Quagmire to like you. In fact, you need only one person to like you, and that is you. Besides, Brian, I like you, and that makes two."
We all need only one person to like us, and that is each of us. We need never get worried when it seems that we are lacking friends or companions. Some spiritualists say we don't even need God to like us, because we are God to ourselves in some sense, and if we like ourselves, that definitely means that God likes us. This is true, but there is an involved theology here, which I will not explain today. Today, I simply want to talk about displaying humility in interpersonal relationships. I want to explore the condition very many people face of not finding friends they can rely on, or liking people that refuse to like them in return. Perhaps I too had this problem in the past, but since I began to understand the concept of sacrifice I have grown from it.
Liking someone is like having a food truck. You prepare the meals, such as tacos, enchiladas and so forth, and stock the truck up, and then you drive through the neighborhood announcing your wares. Some may come and buy, some definitely will not. Some buy because they are hungry. Some others buy because they have heard of your possibly good reputation. A few others buy because they are drawn to you. The reasons people buy are many, and so are the reasons people do not buy. We can never know why or why not people buy. All we can do is make the food, stock up the truck and drive around the neighborhood announcing our wares. We cannot at any point park the truck, grab a few of the tacos or enchiladas or whatever and begin to chase after customers who refuse to buy, trying to force them to, as if they owed us a duty to purchase our wares.
Relationships are like that. Sometimes we like a person but they don't like us back, and we worry and complain; we say we lack friends. We pout and throw tantrums: But why won't they like me! As if these people were obligated in some way to like us. We wish we could enter their minds in some way and try to find out why or why not they like us; we probably act like Brian earlier, and trick them into going out with us, just so we can ply them with questions and try to unearth the reason for their not returning our supposedly generous feelings toward them. All this is unnecessary. The moment we realize that the reasons for other people not being friendly toward us are many and unknowable, the moment we begin to relax and not worry so much.
Also these many reasons very often have nothing to do with us. They usually have to do with the people that do not care about us: they may be petty, or jealous, or mean. Indeed they often are, or maybe they cannot deal with the good things in our lives. Whatever the reason, it is very often to do with them, and not with us. Besides, there are some so-called friendships that are best over with anyway. There are some individuals you used to be friends with whom when you think of how and why you were friends with them in the first place you cannot begin to make sense of it. When you come face to face with their pettiness, jealousy and meanness you thank God they are out of your life once and for all. The absence of some people from your life is a blessing to always thank God for. I mean, it's like you wake up in the morning and get on your knees quickly and say, "Thank you God for removing this person from my life. Then you progressively enjoy the freedom and lightness of heart that their removal from your life brings.
With certain individuals we need psychological distance. Have you ever noticed that there are some people who, when you see them, you just get depressed? You may be having an awesome day, but as soon as these individuals pass by, it's like you're beginning to choke. Spirit killers you may call them, and the farther the psychological distance you have from them the better for both you and them. We can't be friends with everyone, and everyone can't be friends with us. In a previous post I talked about participatory frameworks. Some people have participatory frameworks developed in the context of backgrounds that are so very different from ours that they cannot even begin to gel with ours. There simply are no common grounds, and nature realizes this and so separates us from the get-go, and whenever we come into contact, nature inspires us to implement a separation again.
That's why there are different geographical spaces on earth to accommodate different energies, and different ideologies to accommodate different spirits and keep them perennially separate. It's the same with relationships. And humility consists in realizing this fact. You see, participatory frameworks are complete in themselves. Each unit of energy is complete in itself, and participates ideally not for what it can gain, but for what it can share. Communication is sharing; relationship is sharing, of ideas, feelings and the like. Getting into a relationship simply to mooch off of someone is dangerous, and feeling rejected because your caring is not reciprocated is dangerous as well. It is pride to assume that your attentions toward someone are so appreciated that they must pay you back.
Jesus has something to say about expecting rewards. He says that when you invite people to a dinner party you're throwing, don't invite those that can invite you back. Rather, he insists, invite those that cannot invite you in return so that your reward will be in heaven (Lk 14:12-14). Displaying humility in interpersonal relationships therefore means: firstly, you realize that relationships involve sharing and not taking. We do not enter into relationships to mooch off of others and satisfy our needs and cravings. Displaying humility in interpersonal relationships also means we go about caring for others, without expecting others to care for us in return. It means that we realize that we as participatory frameworks are created by God to be complete in ourselves and so we need only ourselves to love us. Displaying humility in relationships further means that we thank God that some people are actually not close to us, and for our own good, because of the incompatibility of our participatory frameworks. Displaying humility also means that we sacrifice disappointment or loneliness in exchange for trust in the divine providence to supply all our emotional needs, and knowledge that there is an eternal reward in the afterlife for those that do good however unrewarded in this life.
"Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over shall be poured into your lap. For the measure you give, you shall receive" (Lk 8:38). What this means is that rather than staying at home pining about being lonely or whatever, we should get up and go about doing good, spreading love, knowing that Jesus, who does not lie, has assured us that the love we give will return to us abundantly. Also, there is a saying: Nemo dat quod non habet, which means: No one gives what they do not have. This means that when you give, you are spiritually affirming that you have, and that affirmation will bring the reality about. Feeling needy of love? Give love, and keep giving. The need will go away. But the satisfaction will not come from people; it will come from God.
You can't please people. You must have heard of the story of a man and his daughter going on a journey with their donkey. Initially, the man rode and his daughter walked. People they passed along the way criticized: "Look at that selfish man. He rides comfortably on the donkey while his delicate daughter walks along on foot. Imagine the cruelty!" The man heard this criticism and was embarrassed. He got down from the donkey and helped the daughter on. As they continued along the road, some other people criticized: "Look at that selfish daughter. She rides comfortably on the donkey, while the old man walks on foot. Such disrespect!" The man and his daughter, to please the people, both got onto the donkey. As the progressed along their journey, still more people complained: "Look at this man and his daughter, both of them are riding on this frail donkey. Such wickedness!" The man and his daughter both got off the donkey and walked by it, to which a few more people they met along the way said: "Look at this foolish man and his daughter - they have a donkey, but refuse to ride it!"
True charity - agapo - is loving others in spite of the fact that we realize they cannot love us back. It is altruism, selfless and humble service for the sake of God, and for the other's own good. It is charity in secret, not in the open like the Pharisees do, but only so that "God who sees in secret will reward us" (Matt 6:1-8). I recall when I lived in Wichita for a year unemployed. I had just finished my Master's program and was waiting for my PhD admission to materialize. It was a long and lonely period for me at first. This is because I sat at home day in and day out waiting to hear back from the schools I had applied to. When this condition became unbearable, I decided to go and volunteer at the local animal shelter. It proved to be a rewarding experience. I got to leave the house often, to meet people and make new acquaintances. Plus I felt heavenly reward for all the good I did for the animals at the shelter. Something else happened. I had a friend that owned a dog and before I began to work at the shelter, anytime I went to visit this friend the dog was hostile, but after I had worked at the shelter for awhile, whenever I went to visit this friend the dog was friendly, and I used to wonder if it could sense that I was serving its fellow dogs at the shelter, and so was being friendly.
When we feel lonely or needy of love, we should begin to give love without expecting anything in return - indeed, the reason I write this blog is to give love to those who read it - and I never get any love in return, but God consoles me. "I look up to the hills; from where will come my consolation? It will come from God the maker of heaven and earth" (Psalm 121:1). I know that God cares for me, because I care for myself. "The lord shall provide for my need, according to the divine riches and glory, and will give angels charge all over me; Jehovah Jireh cares for me" (Phil 4:19). In many instances in the bible, God encourages us to care and give without asking for anything in return, trusting that the divine providence will replenish us with blessings. For example, the bible says that whoever gives even a cup of water to someone will not go unrewarded (Mark 9:41), because "the Lord is near unto all those that call upon the divine will in truth" (Psalm 145:18).
We have been talking about displaying humility in interpersonal relationships. We have said that we should not enter into relationships out of need, or in order to gain something. We have said that it is rather like laying out wares for prospective customers without forcing them to buy. We have shown that it is proud to demand recompense for charity we have shown to others; to trick or cajole others into loving us or requiting our affections and to complain of loneliness. We have learnt to instead do things altruistically and selflessly, and humbly, trusting in the reward from God in the afterlife and in the satisfaction that God always takes care of us and is near to us. We should also realize that as participatory frameworks we are complete in ourselves, wonderfully made to perfection (Psalm 139:14), and we need only one person to love us: us.
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