Friday, July 12, 2013

Forgiving Yourself and Others

There've been a couple people that have wished they were me. I once had a friend called Emmanuel. One day he saw me walking by and, in a sudden fit of passion, scooped me up and said, "Oh, I wish I were you!" I muttered a prayer to God to make him put me down at once and when he had I said: "If only you knew!" While Emmanuel wishes to be me, I many times wish I were someone else. I know what that means - I don't love myself enough. It's true. I don't. I wish I had a father, a mother, a brother and a sister. I wish I lived in a house near my still-married parents. I wish I had a beautiful wife and two children, one boy and one girl. I wish that every Christmas we would drive over to my parents' house and have fun. I wish I were much thinner and shorter. I wish I were fairer and more handsome. I wish my wife loved me more than anything else, and my children clung to my every word. I wish I were rich and influential, powerful enough to bring substantial change to my world. I wish I belonged perfectly to my community, and had friends that loved to hang out with me. There are many things I wish for.
 
But as life goes on, I realize I will not get most of the things I desire. Do you sometimes feel as if you were born in the wrong set of circumstances, as if God made a mistake when he created you? If you do, believe me you are not alone. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying God makes mistakes. What I'm saying is that it sometimes feels as if he does. There was this young man I once knew. To me, he was the perfect person. He was 5-11, whereas I'm 6 feet. He was thin, probably 190 pounds, whereas I'm 270. He had washboard abs, and was undeniably handsome. He played every sport known to humans - you name it, he played it: soccer, volleyball, basketball, track - everything. He was very social, and had friends flocking about him all the time.
 
I envied him. Many times I wished I were him. But I'm not. And it can be painful, to live with yourself day in and day out. What to do, what to do! Tolerate. I must tolerate myself. But what does tolerate mean? According to an online dictionary, to tolerate is to "accept or endure with forbearance." Let me try to explain it some other way. Imagine you were in a bus, and there was someone sitting near you who angered the crap out of you. Would you simply get up and punch the fellow in the face? Obviously not. That would get you kicked off the bus or even thrown in jail. You would have to sit there patiently, till you got to your destination. In other words, you would have to tolerate them, and the circumstances that brought you two together.
 
Iyanla Vanzant, eminent spiritual writer, once said that our soul chooses our body and the circumstances of our birth. She said that the soul has something to learn, and God knows that the best way for the soul to learn that something is for it to experience life in this particular body, in this specific set of circumstances. The lesson could be anything: compassion, humility, sensitivity, simplicity, and so on. As the soul progressively learns, the burden of the body and the circumstances of its birth become lighter and lighter. The soul then begins to accept its body and its limitations, understanding them to be purposeful and therapeutic. In other words, the soul forgives its body, forgives itself. It doesn't just tolerate itself, it forgives.
 
But what is forgiveness? Oprah once put it beautifully. "Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could be any different." Forgiveness is coming to terms with the circumstances of our birth, all the things that have shaped our personality. It is accepting that everything happened for a reason and for our good. Forgiveness is saying: "Well, so I'm not like this or that person; I don't have this or that thing - it's all for my own good, to learn this important life lesson God has marked out for me, and so no worries." It is being at peace with oneself and with others. With forgiveness, life becomes easier, and love becomes more possible: love of the self, and love for the other.
 
Socrates once said that the souls of the people we refuse to forgive are like voyagers trapped on the high seas, who cannot find their way home. The moment we forgive them, they can then progress. But what's in it for me, you might ask. Listen: you are the anchor that keeps those voyagers trapped. So you too are stranded, and in a worse way. There is an Ibo proverb which states: The child that says their mother will not sleep will also not sleep. Forgiving others is forgiving yourself. Forgiveness sets the self and the others free. It understands that the past however bad it was cannot be changed, but nevertheless was essential for our learning the lesson God intended for us at birth. Forgiveness consolidates our learning of these lessons, and ensures that we never have to be subjected to such tuition ever again.
 
For those that believe in reincarnation, it means that the soul will return in a body and with circumstances of birth that need not be specifically suited to the learning of old lessons. With fewer lessons to learn, the soul's body will be lighter from birth, and the circumstances of such birth will be more benign. The soul would be freer to focus on higher graces and pleasures. For Catholics like me - and believe me when I say I am a Catholic, even though I read authors like Iyanla - I guess it means that the soul's time in Purgatory will be shortened so that, freed from any debts to be paid - or spiritual lessons to be learned - the soul can then journey to heaven to be with the saints in glory. But without the forgiveness that makes all this possible, the soul pads itself with spiritual muck and dross and makes the need for purgation greater, the junk for cleansing more, and so the time spent in purgatory all the more - or the soul could be too dirty for the fires of purgatory, and so has to spend an eternity in the abysmal flames of hell.
 
Anyway. I guess what I'm saying is that forgiveness is important. In the quest to not simply tolerate the self but to understand it, and in the quest to avoid perpetual pain consequent on rebirths of the soul into undeserving bodies, or on elongated periods spent in purgatory or eternity in hell, one must learn to forgive oneself and the others that may have contributed to one's disappointment at oneself. Let's do something together now. Close your eyes. Picture yourself in a prison cell. You may call that cell your body - for those like me who do not love themselves enough. Imagine all the people that have ever wronged you: people that have hurt, abused, neglected or hated you. Imagine that they are the ones that have put you in such prison. Realize that you blame them, have yet to forgive them.
 
Then think of the fires of purgatory or of hell, or think of the possibility of never escaping your body, your prison cell, but always returning to it again and again. If the thought frightens you and you believe me when I say that you must forgive to escape this fate, then urgently say: I forgive. Say it many times. Feel the forgiveness flow through you. Imagine all the people you have held captive set free because of your act of forgiveness. Breathe. Enjoy the liberty. Then, resolve to continue to try to understand what God wants for your soul to learn. Invest your time in contemplating this destiny of yours. Progressively understand the circumstances of your birth and see how everything about you, everything that has happened to you, has been for a purpose. Remember quickly what St Paul says: "All things work together for good, for them that love God and are called to his purpose" (Romans 8:28). Besides, all these things that have happened to you could have been worse, right? I mean, Jesus actually had nails driven into his body. Well then, there you go, you see. Forgive!

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