I woke up this morning feeling a little tired. It's ironic - sleep is supposed to reinvigorate, but it sometimes seems like an enervating exercise. Hours pass by while we're semi-conscious and dreaming, and then we rise to observe the world again, mostly what we're used to but have never fully understood. It's our old dreams and passions again, with their pulls and pushes. We've not tired of it yet, and in all honesty we can't because we don't keep ourselves in it. Our being here is consequent on the will of another, who is far more powerful than we are, and obedience to this authority is wise. And so we trudge on, regardless of how difficult it is.
I think the most difficult part of it all is the presence of other people. It was the great philosopher Sartre who said that hell is other people. The folks around us, with whom we live, are the very source of most of our pain and suffering. The irony is that we cannot live alone; we need other people. And so, even though the presence of others in our lives is painful, we go ahead and cohabit anyway. I agree with Sartre. Hell is indeed other people. They judge us; they compete with us; they tempt us with negative emotions, and they play devil's advocate with us most of the time. It's like the people around us are members of a tireless jury, like a thousand quizzing eyes watching and waiting for the right moment to call us out on our faults and failings, like pesky insects crawling all over our bodies. The psalmist squeals: "They compass me about like bees!" (Psalm 118:12a).
We cannot escape the presence of other people. We depend on them for sustenance, and they depend on us as well. We wear clothes, eat food, read books and drive cars - all these things were made by other people. Imagine if we had to make everything we ever used by ourselves - I mean, that would be quite impossible. Even the fact that we're here is as a result of our father and our mother - other people. Face it buddy - other people are here to stay. So we might as well quit complaining about their being here. We should learn to make do with the situation as it is, a situation that involves our cohabitation with many other people. We can benefit from them in so many ways, just like we've said; but again, they can be sources of pain and discomfort.
To begin with, they judge us. Many times, it is through the eyes of others that we see faults we didn't even know we had. We might for example have thought ourselves as being humble and respectful and all, but one day a person living near us might suddenly declare: How disrespectful you are! You try to defend yourself by saying: Me, disrespectful? Hardly. But they insist that you are, and get a couple more people to confirm their judgment. You find yourself looking in the mirror the rest of the day, trying to discover if truly you are as disrespectful as they say; one more vice about yourself you now have to worry about. The standards other people set for us also judge us. Some parents or significant others practically set ambitious goals for their relatives and make these unfortunate souls exchange their dreams for those of their parents and loved ones. They feel the pressure of conformity, of towing the path set for them by other people, who do not understand the impetus of their aspirations, the causes of their desires.
Other people compete with us. They make us feel as if we need to prove ourselves. They make us feel as if we're running track, and the prize is victory over others, being the first to brace the tape. Ordinary activities are no longer just fun things to do, but actual sprint performances, where speed and accuracy are prized over enjoyment of experience. We rush about, always reminded of the need to appear victorious. We overwhelm ourselves with plans, memoranda and schedules. We want to be recognized as the numero uno, the first among equals. We feel that without being the best at something, anything, we are pretty much losers. We seek some form of domination or recognition for a certain quality that nobody holds better than we do. Other people keep us on our toes.
Other people tempt us with negative emotions. They make us afraid. By reminding us of our shortcomings, they make us doubt the possibility of our attaining our dreams. They make us unhappy, by suggesting that we may not for long hold on to the good we think we have. They make us feel insecure, less than perfect. They make us feel emotions we don't want to feel. They also make us feel betrayed, like Judas made Jesus feel that night in the garden when he kissed the savior and thus signaled to the soldiers that Jesus was the one they should arrest. Jesus must have felt disappointment as he looked at a friend of his sell him out for a few silver pieces. And as if that was not painful enough, the rest of his disciples ran off and left him by himself. Peter lied three times that night, calling on the wrath of God to bear witness that he did not know this Jesus of Nazareth. Jesus saw Peter do this. Awful; just awful. Other people inspire in us negative emotions.
Other people sometimes play the devil's advocate with us. We tell them our plans and they jinx it. We share with them our dreams and they think of at least five reasons why it probably won't come true. They fill our heads with antitheses to our syntheses. They ply us with contradictory stances to our thoughts and ideas. It hurts when those that are closest to us seem like they don't have faith in us, don't trust our abilities. It hurts because they are close, are the ones we counted on. The psalmist complains: "If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God" (Psalm 55:12-14). Our closest friends have the potential to hurt us the most.
So what must we do - hide, isolate ourselves from those around us; from other people in general? We possibly couldn't even if we wanted to. There is an option: We can develop social skills. Some people are better than others at exercising social skills, but everyone can learn a thing or two. Individuals with greater social skills are those with higher emotional quotients. They are the ones who find it easier to deal with varied emotional situations with grace and ease. Emotions such as envy, resentment, anger, disappointment and so on are not too overwhelming for them to deal with. They anticipate the existence of these emotions in others and figure out ways by which to deal with them optimally. These individuals have high levels of practical wisdom, Aristotle's phronensis. They did not learn this in school as we mentioned in a previous post, but by emulation and practice. They learned endurance, tolerance, wit, charm and conviviality.
How can we be like these people? How can we grow our emotional quotients and social skills? How can we get along better with the people around us? We must work on our psyche; pay attention to social cues, and be willing to take the fall sometimes. To begin with, we must work on ourselves. Jesus in this regard asks us to remove the log in our own eyes before we attempt to remove the speck in other people's eyes (Matt 7:5; Lk 6:42). Whenever it seems that others are giving us a hard time, we should first ask ourselves if there's anything we're doing to warrant it. We cannot change others, but only ourselves, and so the easiest way to change the way others treat us is to change ourselves. Present a new and improved self to those around you and see if the way they treat you changes at all. Evaluate the behavioral and attitudinal responses your new self receives from others and see whether your transformation has any merit. You can benefit in this regard from therapy or from advanced spirituality, such as meditation and spiritual literature.
Also, we can pay attention to social cues. Social cues are mostly nonverbal and may be prone to misinterpretation. Yet they must be interpreted correctly before we act on them. They are the ways by which we know what is expected of us in a certain social situation. Most human communications involve nonverbal cues, such as facial expression, vocal cues, posture, gestures and so on. By picking up on their signals without others having to speak, we can modify our observable behaviors to better accommodate their needs and hopes concerning us and the situations that bring us in contact with them. First impressions are also key to building good interpersonal relationships. A good first impression is likely to impinge upon how others assess our subsequent behaviors, and vice versa. The ability to properly pick up and respond to social cues also shows that we are well socialized, and have healthy mental abilities.
More so, we can sometimes take the fall. We need not seek to be right or justified all of the time. In order to preserve the peace and foster positive relationships with other people, we can sometimes let them be right. Some of the things that we fuss about, trying to prove our correctness about, are just not worth the sacrifice of relationships that they cost us. I have found myself in certain situations for example where I've simply let the other person win, even if I knew my ideas were better. There was a situation for example where I and another brother were debating whether we should set a gauge at 300 or at 200. I said 300, but he said 200. I went with his suggestion. An hour later, the meal was still cold. I didn't say "you see, I told you so," but I did feel gratified when he said, "I'm sorry, I should have listened to you." I simply said, "No problem, let's just see if we can save the situation now." There was another case as well when I went along with a friend's opinion at a grocery store and bought far more stuff than we needed. Later on, he realized that we had indeed bought too much stuff, and he came to appreciate that I had been right at the time. He too was sorry he hadn't listened. In each of these situations, I prized my interpersonal relationships more than the mundane situations that threatened them. By allowing the other person win, I was communicating a message of conviviality and respect.
All in all, we have seen that interpersonal relationships are potentially challenging. Sartre has said that hell is other people, because they can judge us, make us feel bad and play the devil's advocate with us. Interpersonal relationships are difficult to cultivate. The potential for hurt and misunderstanding especially among close friends and family is great, and we all experience this potential. In any case, we can improve our emotional quotients, acquire greater levels of practical wisdom and fare better in our interpersonal relationships. We can anticipate the emotions of others and respond better to them; we can work on ourselves by changing our behaviors and attitudes and the first impressions others have of us; we can pay attention to nonverbal communications that others give us, and we can sometimes take the fall in order to preserve the goodwill existing between us and other people. If we do all of this, we can be sure that our interactions with others will not feel as difficult or as painful as the prospect of hell.
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