There is a hymn in our Catholic books that goes thus: "I have decided to follow Jesus. Though no one join me, still I will follow." This song sometimes captures how I feel. Many times, it feels as if I have to choose between progressing in my vocation and having friends. Jealousy keeps people estranged from me. I search for companionship, but I find doors closed in my face. It overwhelms me sometimes. Am I the problem? Is there something about me that is grandiose? Is there a way I can tone it down if there is? Or is it the people around me? Is there something about my soul that makes me seek out people that I have nothing in common with; people who would rather envy me than wish me well at all? I wonder if others feel this way.
Where lies the path to success for me? For sure, sacrifice will have to play a role. I will have to choose all the separations I endure in my life, rather than accept them as caused by others. When and where I discern that people are avoiding me or disdaining me, I should convince myself that I pushed them away for the greater good of preserving my vocation. Why are some people so jealous! Some people are so jealous that even the air you breathe causes them grief. I mean, why should you be breathing all that good air in your lungs!
Weird. My father is dead today because of jealousy. It is because of jealousy, and jealousy alone, that I am an orphan. That is why jealousy scares the heck out of me. What is it you want? My shoes - here, you have them. What else do you want from me? My money - here you have it. Take and go; take and go, and leave me alone! Phew! Jealousy scares me. Jealous, small, mean people. They vex me. The people that annoy me the most are crabby people. They pretend as if they are humble and poor, when in fact they hoard stuff away and fill up their coffers. O God, save us from their hands. Please, do not abandon us to their greed and their malice.
Am I grandiose? Am I proud? What is this I hear people say about me? Samuel is this; Samuel is that. Samuel is intense; Samuel is proud; Samuel is arrogant; Samuel is larger than life. Phew! Is it my size? Is it my weight? Is it my height, my broad shoulders, my bulk? What is it about me that makes me larger than life: my orphanage, my poverty, my ethnic heritage, my flab belly? What makes me proud? What makes me intense? Why will my enemies not leave me alone? There are people who would cast spells to destroy themselves in an attempt to destroy me. Why would they not leave me alone? Samuel this and Samuel that. It's very tiring.
But I will survive. I insist on it - I will survive. Please God, do help me to survive. I want to survive. And I want to thrive. I want you to use me in your service. A song I learned growing up goes thus: "O dear Jesus, I love you, as you really love me too. I wish to be your dear child, make me always meek and nice; teach me how to watch and pray, on my daily prayer to say. O dear Jesus, when I die, I will go to you on high." Let it be so for me. Save me O God from my haters. Thank you.
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