I am writing this post today to solicit prayers for my struggle with food. It appears I love to eat. Because of this, I am overweight. A six-foot endo-mesomorph, I should ideally be about 245lb. I am however nearly 300lb. I am at least 50 pounds overweight! And all because I eat too much. Take last night for example. We had meatloaf, fried potatoes and veggies for dinner. The meatloaf was to die for. Sometimes for the life of me I cannot decipher what the Sisters put into their cooking to make it always taste so delicious. I ate two fat slices of meatloaf and several pieces of fried potatoes while seated at table. Ordinarily, that should have been enough. But as we put the leftovers away, I looked greedily at the slices of meatloaf remaining, and eventually gave in to temptation, and grabbed three thick ones. I also pinched a few more slices of fried potatoes - and no veggies! The healthiest of the meals there, the veggies, did not appeal to me. And after helping with cleanup and setting tables for the next meal, I stole away with my booty to eat in the privacy of my room. Too much food. Simply disgraceful, I tell you.
Why do I eat so? It cannot be hunger. No senor. I know for sure that I was not hungry last evening as I grabbed the three plump slices of meatloaf and several pieces of fried potatoes. I mean, I had just eaten, for Pete's sake! So what made me grab the extra food, then? Greed? Indiscipline? Gluttony? Insecurity? Emotion? I should say all of the above. Sometimes, I realize that this eating, eating, eating is not to satisfy a genuine hunger. I feel I use food to dull an emotional ache. The emptiness of my heart cannot be filled with food, but it doesn't stop me from trying to see if it just might. This situation, of eating to subconsciously satisfy an emotional, rather than physical, hunger, is what psychologists call emotional eating. Apparently then, I am an emotional eater. Sometimes I feel as if there should be a support group for people like me, for emotional eaters, just like alcoholics have in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). Maybe we should call ours Emotional Eaters Emancipation (EEE, or simply Triple E).
I picture myself attending one of Triple E's meetings. I sit down with other emotional eaters and, when it's my turn, I stand up to say, "My name is Samuel, and I am an emotional eater," to which everyone else says, "Hi, Samuel." And then I begin to tell them how it is that I eat so much. Wait a minute. Before I can tell anyone something, I should know it myself. Nemo dat quod non habet (No one gives what he or she does not have). So, why do I eat so much? How is it that I eat more than I should, and unhealthy food at that? I mean, I am not happy with my eating habits, and yet I go on eating so. All through last night for example, I suffered from constipation and acid indigestion, and all because I stuffed my face with slice after slice of meatloaf, and slice after slice of fried potatoes. Just imagine the number of calories I consumed in one evening! Unbelievable. Why, though? Why do I eat so much?
If I were married and had an active sex life, would I eat less? Probably. I would want to look good for my lover. I would want to undress before my lover's eyes and feel appreciated. I would want my lover to see the six-pack abs, the lean stomach and the fit body, with muscles - ripped and all, you know. I would want my lover's eyes to eat me up even before we began our lovemaking. I would want to be confident in my body and in the raw sexuality it exuded. But I am not married and I do not have an active sex life. And so, that incentive for keeping fit does not exist for me. But there are at least two objections to this line of thought. The first is that not everyone with a spouse and an active sex life keeps fit anyway; and two, not everyone that keeps fit has an active sex life or sexual partner. The primary reason for keeping fit should be for good health and self confidence. Whether or not a person has an active sex life. There are many seminarians and priests I know - individuals keeping the celibacy promise - who are far healthier than regular, married folk. Indeed, one of my priest acquaintances - name withheld - has a personal trainer, and frequents the gym as often as just about anyone. This priest friend - name withheld - is as fit as a fiddle, and very handsome to boot. And he is a priest, promised to celibacy.
So it's not about getting some. Believe me, it isn't. It's about feeling good, and avoiding all those pesky diseases, such as high blood pressure; high cholesterol; acid indigestion - of the sort I suffered all through last night - and the myriad other problems associated with unhealthy eating. The rate at which I'm going, I might end up with some heart problems soon. Already, I'm finding it hard to do simple exercises like walking up and down the stairs without leaning on the railings and, when I do make it up or down the steps, I pant like a dog that's been playing Frisbee for hours. I never do any sports these days. There's a functional gym in the basement of the seminary, complete with treadmill, weights and cardio equipment, but I rarely use it. What the heck is wrong with me? Am I on some sadistic journey to destroy my body before time? God forbid! Already it seems as if my bulk is getting too heavy for my knees. I sometimes feel pain in my knees when I walk or run, and my heart beats as fast as a fleeing jackrabbit when I do anything that tasks my torso. Indeed, push is coming to shove. Please, pray with me.
Dear God, who in your infinite mercy created us rational animals with prudence enough to manage our affairs, grant me the grace to watch what I eat. Help me to restrain from eating unhealthy and plenty, so that I can stop placing undue strain on my heart. Please forgive me for the times when I have grabbed a chicken leg instead of an apple; preserve me from greed, gluttony and insecurity. Help me to catch myself before it's too late. I need your help in my struggle with food. Have mercy on me Lord and hurry to my aid. Through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God forever and ever. Amen.
In any case, this morning, I had a banana, a few grapes; a small glass of orange juice, and a small teacup of coffee. I hope I'm off to a good start. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
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