There are many things that make me sad about myself. By far the saddest thing about myself is how people always have awful things to say about me: Samuel is proud; Samuel is arrogant; Samuel is larger than life; Samuel is uppity; Samuel is too intense; Samuel is too this, and too that. Samuel, Samuel, Samuel. The thing that makes this very sad for me is that I don't even value myself as much as people would imagine. How is it that I am proud, arrogant, larger than life, and too everything, when I don't have any father; I don't have any mother; I live as a Black African foreigner in this land; I am not sexy-looking (with my being overweight and all); I am very poor; I have no close friends; I pretty much have nothing at all. Is it not a tragedy to be too everything when one has nothing?
This state of affairs, of having nothing and being perceived as too everything, is the greatest tragedy of my life. I am 33 years old, and I am only just now learning to drive. Others do this at age 16. I don't have a girlfriend. I don't have any sex partner, and probably will never have. I am not handsome in the classic, typical sense. Some people say I'm smart, but that's not actually true. Smart people write computer programs; they make gadgets and equipment; they write score; they invent and patent stuff. All I am is well trained. Because I've been going to school pretty much all my life, I have acquired the ability to take tests. And even when I do take tests in fields of study that I feel better suited in: literary arts rather than sciences, I'm not actually an A student. I'd describe myself as an AB student. What does this mean? Well, if the class is easier than most, and is taught by an easy grader, an easy teacher, and I study all the notes well, I typically get an A. If the class is neither easy nor tough, and the teacher is a prim and proper grader, I'd very likely get an A- or a B+. And if the class is relatively tough and the teacher is indeed tough, I would very likely get a B. And I can't even do sciences this way. If I took classes in the Engineering, Architecture or Physical Sciences Departments, I would most definitely get D's and C's all year round. I'm not as smart as some people might think.
I think that one heavy cross I bear is my size. I HATE my size and physical appearance. I hate being six feet, nearly 300lb and fat; with flabby stomach, semi-knock knees and very dark complexion. I don't think I have ever truly loved my body. My size makes me sad. Why did God create me as large as he did? It is a question I often ask myself. Because of my size, people begin to make assumptions about me. The thing that makes my size even sadder is that I don't play sports. If I were say, a football player - eh-hehn! Then people would say, "Ah, he uses his size to play football." If I were into basketball or something, then my size could be justified. Sadly, I am not gifted with sports. I'm pretty much just big for nothing, like a cow or a rhinoceros. Big, fat and ugly. And the sad, sad thing is that some people actually think I like being this big! This makes me so sad that I just become overwhelmed. "Big Sam," some insensitive people call out to me. "Mr. Sam," some say. "Giant Sam," some insensitive idiots call out to me. It's so sad. So sad. I tell them: "Please, call me Sam, just only Sam." They refuse.
Sometimes, I wish I were someone else. In an alternate universe I imagine I could be thin. Ectomorphic. A meso-ectomorph, weighing less than 240lb. I wish I was at the highest 5ft 11' with lean stomach and sporty gifts. I wish I were born in a land like this; were White, and had parents that lived, till I myself was old and gray; not parents that die when I'm but a child knowing not my left from my right. Maybe then, I'd be truly smart, truly an A student; maybe then, no one would say I was too this and too that, and too that other thing. I would then perhaps find love; true love in the arms of a woman I felt my equal in every sense of the word. I would have a father who would live for me and not go shoot himself. I would have a mother who would live for me. I would have siblings and close friends. I wouldn't be a misunderstood freak. I would love my body.
I wouldn't be an uppity monkey. I remember once I was walking in the dorms back at Wichita State, and a White girl exclaimed: "Wow! I didn't know Black Africans went to school." These are the sorts of things a person never forgets. Not because these events are worth remembering or that one has yet to forgive - because I truly already have - but because they just make you realize how divided and dysfunctional this world is - and absurd too; don't forget absurd. Good. And so, here I am: big, fat, dark, poor, orphan loser - AND YET I am proud, arrogant, larger than life; too this, too that, and too that other thing. Sad, ain't it? Very sad and tragic. As a dark-skinned, Black African, in some people's eyes, I'm not supposed to be able to read and write and go to school. After all, my kin are in the jungles running after wild beasts, and feeding on blood and milk. Others are starving from draught in Ethiopia, and flies are licking them all over, like the dogs licked the sores of Lazarus. Still others are living in violent and poor situations, lacking basic amenities and unable to go to school. So you can understand why the girl exclaimed to see me in the dorms. You can understand why she said she did not know that Black Africans went to school.
AND YET, here is a Black African Giant that is proud, and arrogant, and larger than life; and too this, and too that, and too that other thing: Here is a Black African that is 6-foot tall; 300lb large; more than 50lb overweight; not sexy; has semi-knock knees; a protruding belly; is an orphan; is very poor; is a loser pretty much, BUT - WAIT FOR IT - proud, arrogant, larger than life; too this, and too that, and too that other thing. I hate myself.
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